AUGUST 2014

I knew a lifestyle change of this magnitude (and the internal work it required) called for radical self-kindness, so I ‘rewarded’ myself for getting through each day with little treats like long walks, fresh sheets, fresh flowers, new books, raw desserts, and anything else that made things easier. I drank sparkling mineral water from fancy glasses and hugged my love a lot. I went to bed early. I cried some more and began to find it easier to talk about my fears and the jumbled mess of emotions that kept pouring out of me.

And in amongst the jumbled mess came some pretty big lessons and discoveries…
 

The Problem Wasn’t What I Thought it Was

All this time I thought the problem was my lack of willpower. As soon as I had that first drink, I didn’t want to stop, even though drinking to excess (and the awful shame and hangovers it left in its wake) had stopped being fun a long time ago.

It was a beautiful breakthrough when I realised that after I had that first drink, it wasn’t really me making the decisions anymore – my judgement was impaired, the Wine Monster was in full control and it wanted more, more, MORE!  So it wasn’t actually the fourth or fifth drink that was the big problem for me – it was that very first one.
 

It’s Okay (and Healthy) to Redefine ‘Fun’

One of my biggest fears about quitting drinking was that I’d never have – or be – fun, ever again. I honestly didn’t believe I’d feel joy in a world without endless social events and free-flowing bubbles… Without a crisp white wine with dinner… Without cheeky sunset cocktails…

After a bit of (sober) time to think, I began to realise that perhaps the reason I got so drunk at particular events was because I wasn’t comfortable there in the first place.

Now I skip events that don’t feel right for me. With my increasing self-respect (thank you, sobriety!) comes a feeling of being quite protective of my energy and not subjecting myself to unnecessarily toxic environments or situations.

If I’m invited to a big, boozy affair, I’ll arrive early and leave early. I have a great time chatting to everyone and then make a hasty exit before things get too messy.

It took some adjustment but I realise now it’s only natural that my social life will change as a result of my decision, and with each passing day I feel more okay with that.
 

I Don’t Need Alcohol to Have a Good Time

Trust me, no-one was more shocked at this one than me. I was awestruck the first time I went to an event sober and had a really great time.

Belly ache from laughing?  Check.
Deep and meaningful conversations?  Check.
A clear and grateful head hitting the pillow well before midnight?  Ohhhh, scrumptious check!
 

I Love People More

Back when I socialised with a drink in my hand, there was always part of my mind that was preoccupied with thoughts of booze.

Did I bring enough wine? Is it too soon to get another drink? Will anyone notice if I pour another? What happens if we run out? Will the bottle shop still be open? Will we make it in time?

Now, when I talk to people, I’m 100% present and focused on what they’re saying. Better yet, I remember everything we talked about! My relationships are so much stronger and deeper, and that sense of connection makes me feel so much happier.
 

Dutch Courage is a Diddle

I thought I needed to drink to feel confident. And yet, the longer I go without drinking, the more confident I feel in every situation. I trust myself more. I feel strong and graceful and grounded. I feel so incredibly peaceful without all that internal angst and drama.
 

I Feel Healthier

After decades of insomnia, I now sleep like an angel. No waking at 3am, staring at the ceiling, wishing my dehydrated head would stop pounding. It feels heavenly to wake up feeling fresh every morning with clarity, a feeling of connection, and a sense of purpose.

My face and eyes feel less ‘puffy’, my skin is less dry, and my little ‘wine pouch’ belly disappeared. I have more energy, my digestion has improved ten fold, and brain fog is a thing of the past.
 

I Feel Happier

I feel more myself than I have in a very long time.

That cheeky sense of humour I thought only came out to play at wine o’clock? Turns out it wanted to play all the time – I was just pigeonholing it.

The anxiety I thought I was drinking to soothe? Turns out drinking only delayed it and invited it back double-strength the next day. Craziest of all is that drinking actually caused most of it to begin with. I’ve rarely felt anxious in the past few months – instead feeling only increasing calm and bliss. Sweet Heavens!
 

I Have So Much More Time Now

Without late nights or days wasted in hangover-mode, I have so much more time and energy. Time for movies (and remembering the entire plot), farmers markets, brunch dates, early morning writing sessions, long walks, trying new things, and daydreams.

Time for greater creativity and clarity, productivity, and deep, peaceful relationships.
 

The Part I Love Most

The absolute, delicious, blissful freedom.

Freedom from counting drinks. Freedom from giving myself ‘those lectures’ about not making an idiot of myself this time. Freedom from saying stupid things I regret. Freedom from believing I can only connect with people when I have a drink in my hand. Freedom from searching for late-night cabs in the freezing cold, or worrying about how to get home. Freedom from the morning-after cocktail of tiredness, nausea, anxiety and paranoia.

I’m not saying it’s always easy. Some Fridays – especially when I’m hungry and/or tired – my inner 3-year-old throws a tantrum and still wants wine, wine, WINE!

But I am saying it gets much easier. And is so, SO worth it.
 

So Is This Forever?

‘Forever’ still feels too big, too scary, too infinite. It’s still too huge for me to hold-my-hand-on-my-heart and promise on. For now all I know is that sobriety is too beautiful a sanctuary for me to want to give it up anytime soon. I worked so hard to get here and it’s more sublime than I could ever have imagined.

Throughout this journey I promised myself that I’d treat myself to a lovely big gift at the end of 100 days to reward myself for ‘going without’ for so long… only to find now that I’m here (at day 139, according to my trusty little tracker app), I don’t need it anymore.

Alcohol-free  turned out to be the biggest gift of all.   ♥
 

Want to read more?

I share more of my journey and the tools that helped me in my best-selling memoir, A Happier Hour.

AUGUST 2014

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in adopting a vegan lifestyle, then eating gluten-free, then starting my health coaching practice, it’s that having a great support network can mean the difference between weeping alone in the corner, and rocking it out and actually enjoying the challenge.

Before embarking on an experiment of this magnitude, I knew I’d need help, and lots of it.
 

My Tools of Choice

:: Like the true geek I am, I wrote a 10 Things Better Than Wine list and referred to it every day.

:: I joined Hello Sunday Morning (such a great initiative!) and read stories from others who were undergoing the same challenge.

:: I ordered and read Jason Vale’s book: ‘Kick the Drink… Easily!’

:: In a very happy accident (while reading an article about the increasing number of ‘dry’ cafes opening in the UK), I discovered the Soberistas website. There, I was amazed and oh-so relieved to find oodles of incredibly helpful sober blogs (including my now-favourites: Carrie on Sober, Mrs D is Going Without, Unpickled, and Fit Fat Food).

I’m not sure why I was so surprised to find these blogs. Did I really think I was the only woman in the world struggling to put the glass down?

:: I also stumbled across Belle’s blog and 100 Day Challenge:
 

I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed… but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens… No matter what.
~ Belle, Tired of Thinking About Drinking

 
This challenge instantly appealed to me. Quite honestly, the thought of never drinking again was terrifying. Even thinking about it made my chest constrict and the waterworks start again.

One hundred days. Now, that seemed manageable. Long enough to have a proper break and then reassess the situation, but short enough to seem achievable (and a whole lot less scary than ‘forever’).

:: I downloaded a Day Tracker app onto my phone and decided 100 days was my goal.
 

The Hardest Part

I’m not gonna’ lie. The first 30 days were tough.

I hadn’t expected to feel so insanely tired all the time. I’d only been drinking (albeit to excess) a couple (okay, sometimes 4 or 5) nights per week, so I didn’t expect a physical detox. Very naïve on my part, especially since it took my body a good 30 days to detox from dairy, and then again from gluten. I should’ve seen it coming.

I didn’t think I’d cry so much but I did. I threw a couple of tantrums in frustration at not being able to drink like ‘normal’ people (and cried). I replayed all the stupid, drunken things I’ve ever done over-and-over in my mind (and cried some more).

I was upset that I’d let alcohol have such a huge influence over me and I hated the fear I felt in taking it away. I was frustrated that it felt so hard to go without it, and that I didn’t really know how to deal with my daily emotions. I hated that reality felt so relentless without the option of ‘cutting loose’ on a Friday night. And I hated that I wasn’t sure who I was in social settings without a drink in my hand.

Feelings reinforced by the reaction from friends and former colleagues, generally along the lines of: “Are you insane? I’d rather go without food for 100 days than alcohol!”

The very same reaction I would have had before I embarked on this challenge.

Would people still invite me out if I stopped drinking for good?
Would I always feel like I was missing out?
Would I ever have – or be – fun, ever again?

I was afraid of what would happen if I stopped drinking. But I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

And I got through it.

Day 30 fell on my birthday, and for the first time since I turned 17, I celebrated it sober. Instead of my usual cocktails, champagne and dancing-on-tables celebration, I spent the night cuddling on the couch with my love, my favourite dinner (fajitas), some fancy raw chocolate, a crystal goblet filled with sparkling mineral water and fresh lime, and an 80’s flick.

And you know what? It felt really good. Wholesome. Healthy. Right.

Little did I know, the real discoveries were yet to come…

AUGUST 2014
Oh boy, did I feel a lot of resistance while I was trying to write this post. I was so tempted to hide it away, leave it unsaid, just move on…

But more than that, I wanted to reach out to anyone who might be struggling with the same battles and demons. This is for you, angel-face. You are loved, and you are not alone.

How It All Began

When I discovered, at age 16, that alcohol could magically transform me from shy and introverted to confident and outgoing, I fell in love with the stuff. Never mind that it regularly kicked my ass, made me do and say stupid things, and stole my self-worth. For most of the time (okay, at least half the time), it made me feel glamorous, fun and hilarious. Before I’d even turned 18 I couldn’t imagine a social life without it.

There was just one teensy little problem. My ‘off’ switch doesn’t work. I’ve never felt ill while drinking, or thrown up, so there was never a point in the night that signalled I should stop. Well, besides slurred speech and errors in judgement, of course, but nothing that was awful enough to make me immediately put down the glass. While I was drinking I always felt like I was having the time of my life, so I did what any party girl would do – I kept going. The next morning I always felt like death warmed up but I shrugged it off.

Oh well, what’s the big deal? Everyone in Australia binge drinks. It’s just a bit of fun.

Until, of course, it isn’t.

Really this whole nonsense should’ve stopped in my 20s. In an ideal world I would have woken up on my 30th birthday and thought ‘Wow, that was a blast but I’m so glad I’m mature and sophisticated now. I’m excited to see what comes next, and am so relieved that I can just enjoy a single glass of icy cold Sauvignon Blanc at a dinner party and leave it at that.’

But no. It carried on wayyyy too far into my 30s.

I always drank more than I meant to. That first sip was oh-so seductive. If I was out with friends, it made the night feel more exciting. If I was at home, I loved the way it made my worries just melt away. It felt utterly delicious and I didn’t want it to stop.

Another glass, please! Keep ’em coming!

Deep down I knew it was a problem but, like so many friends I see white-knuckling their way through ‘Dry July’ in my Facebook feed, I was scared to think about what that might mean. There’s no way I could give up booze forever. It would be like every day was a weekday! I’d never have any fun. I’d be forever missing out. No-one would ever invite me anywhere. How would I live?

So I tried the set-number-of-drinks rule. I tried the drinking-water-every-other-drink rule. I tried the only-drinking-on-Fridays rule. And they all worked. For a while.

But every few weeks or so I’d end up drinking that one wine too many and not remember the trip home. And the more I tried to focus on not drinking, the more it happened.

I’d spend the next day in a downward spiral of anxiety, shame, and nausea. I’d argue with my love. I’d feel cranky and frustrated that I couldn’t drink like ‘normal’ people in their 30s. And then I’d sob. Heartbreaking, racking tears of sadness for getting myself stuck in this mess. I was supposed to be a Health Coach! Why couldn’t I control this thing? I felt sick with fear at what it would mean if I had to stop drinking completely.

I was afraid that I’d never have – or be – fun, ever again.

How had it come to this? How had I trapped myself in this ridiculous pattern? I know alcohol is used a social lubricant, but when had it become such a self-esteem crutch for me? How is it I couldn’t even imagine a joy-filled existence without alcohol?

The Breaking Point

One day one of my beautiful clients confided that she drank to make herself feel less lonely, and to my sheer horror I heard myself say “That’s okay.”

I felt sick the second the words left my lips, because I know in my heart that it’s not okay. It’s never okay to use alcohol (or food or drugs) to numb ourselves or avoid what’s really going on in our lives.

I felt disgusted with myself. I owed my clients more than that and most of all, I owed it to myself. In that moment, I vowed to be a better example and sort this shizzle out for once and for all.

Why on earth was I self-sabotaging, anyway? I was this close to living my dream life, with a career I was so passionate about and with the love-of-my-life by my side. Was I really choosing wine over happiness? Vodka over vitality? Tequila over tranquility?

I had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t merely coincidence that my best writing sessions of the week just happened to fall on the day furthest from my last drink. All writers drink, don’t they?

I didn’t want something so stupid to hold me back. I didn’t want to feel upset if I didn’t have a drink on Friday nights. I didn’t want to keep falling into the binge drinking trap. I was sick of the anxiety, the shame, and the horrific hangovers slowing me down and keeping me from rocking my passions.

I wanted freedom!

I wanted to feel playful, with confidence that was authentically me, not poured from a bottle. I wanted deeper connections, less anxiety, more space, more love, more potential.

I wanted transformation, dammit!

And so, tears running down my face and hands shaking, I stuck this quote to my vision board, and set out to answer the question: can life be sober and sparkly?

If you don’t change anything, you don’t grow.

If only I’d known what I was about to discover…

Plus:

Special guest posts from industry experts, on topics like nutrition, meditation, and empowerment.

Continued access to the entire Sexy Sobriety Coaching Library.

A weekly love-note sent straight to your inbox, to keep you in the loop with all updates and new additions.

Ongoing 24/7 access, so you can pop in any time you need a pep talk, confidence boost, or to get your head straight.

Uninterrupted access to your original 90 days of lessons, so you can revisit any topics you adored.  ♥

YOU DID IT, gorgeous!

 
Congratulations on completing your first 90 days! Click ‘play’ on the video above to watch a little message I recorded especially for you on this momentous day.

I’d love to hear all about your progress so far and celebrate your successes. How has your relationship with alcohol changed? What have you learnt about yourself? How has it transformed your approach to life?

Feel free to email me on hello@sexysobriety.com.au and tell me all about it.

As your thoughts start to wander to ‘what next?’, why not move your goalpost to 180 days? You know, just as an experiment – just to see what it feels like?   😉

See you in The Vault, hot stuff!

With love,
Bex